25 January 2014

size doesn't matter

and as a girl, that is something very difficult and confusing to grasp.

media centers around the size of a woman's waist, bust, butt, hips, and even eyeballs. how are girls/women/people not supposed to notice?

this is something i have wanted to write about for a long time, but never really knew where to start.

last year in january i wrote down my weight. i vowed i wouldn't get on a scale again until june. in september i finally stepped on the scale again. and this january i stepped on it once more. no i won't tell you the number, because it doesn't matter, but it was the exact same as it was a year ago.

playing the numbers game is depressing and totally self deprecating. but for some reason i couldn't stop. every morning right before i brushed my teeth i stepped on that scale. i wouldn't say my day was depicted based on that number, but often times, more often than i care to admit, i'd be a little bummed.

the big issue with this is that it is just a number. it measures diddly squat. precisely dick. 

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i'm still not quite ready to admit it, but in being complete transparent and in the honor of full disclosure i will tell you why i stopped.

no one can guess your weight, or know exactly what that means. i don't even know. the number is a way to make you feel bad or worse about yourself. it's always a goal that people try to attain. once attained they make a new goal. and you know what. it's not about the number. it's about the health they've gained. and the energy. the glow. the confidence. that is was matters.

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that started to irk me. i've watched some really good friends get lost in the number and not realize the actual harm they were inflicting on themselves and on others.

i am particularly sensitive to people joking about what i do and don't eat. i don't scrutinize you based on your food choices, please show me the same courtesy. it is something that ever since i was child will instantly put me in a horrible mood and question myself. i know the majority of the time this question isn't meant to cause harm, but it does. and it's not a fun path to go down.

this is how it makes me feel.

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don't make people feel this way. no one likes to feel crazy. ever. even if they are crazy. and trust me, we are all crazy. why else would i run marathons? certainly not sanity. it's the beer. definitely that.

back to the issue at hand.

stepping on the scale somehow measured a personal value that didn't actually mean anything to anyone but me. it's not like if someone asked me what the number was i would be proud and announce it from the rooftops. perhaps there are people that do that, but alas, i am not one of them.

i wanted to have a healthy relationship with who i was. and that meant how i was built. it is not like i have ever had a problem with eating, binging, or dieting. it was more of an issue with how i perceived what people thought of me based on my size. and you know what, my size has nothing to do with who i am.

i may be little, but i don't deprive myself. i know full well what would happen if i just ate everything i wanted and did nothing in return. i've done that and i was unhappy. i'm not perfect, i have bad days, but for the majority of the time i feel pretty good about myself. taking the number out of the equation freed up a lot of time for me to do other things. travel, surf, run, make friends and drink all the beers. i wouldn't take any of that back. ever.

if you ever pick on me because of my size i will kick your ass. that is in writing. and you can take my word for it. i will absolutely kick your ass. and i won't feel a damn bit of regret or remorse, because you know what, i've accomplished some amazing things with this build i have and i know that. you can't take those accomplishments away from me. and besides it's not okay to scrutinize a person based on their weight. ever.

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sorry i'm not sorry for all the jlaw.