25 January 2014

size doesn't matter

and as a girl, that is something very difficult and confusing to grasp.

media centers around the size of a woman's waist, bust, butt, hips, and even eyeballs. how are girls/women/people not supposed to notice?

this is something i have wanted to write about for a long time, but never really knew where to start.

last year in january i wrote down my weight. i vowed i wouldn't get on a scale again until june. in september i finally stepped on the scale again. and this january i stepped on it once more. no i won't tell you the number, because it doesn't matter, but it was the exact same as it was a year ago.

playing the numbers game is depressing and totally self deprecating. but for some reason i couldn't stop. every morning right before i brushed my teeth i stepped on that scale. i wouldn't say my day was depicted based on that number, but often times, more often than i care to admit, i'd be a little bummed.

the big issue with this is that it is just a number. it measures diddly squat. precisely dick. 


i'm still not quite ready to admit it, but in being complete transparent and in the honor of full disclosure i will tell you why i stopped.

no one can guess your weight, or know exactly what that means. i don't even know. the number is a way to make you feel bad or worse about yourself. it's always a goal that people try to attain. once attained they make a new goal. and you know what. it's not about the number. it's about the health they've gained. and the energy. the glow. the confidence. that is was matters.


that started to irk me. i've watched some really good friends get lost in the number and not realize the actual harm they were inflicting on themselves and on others.

i am particularly sensitive to people joking about what i do and don't eat. i don't scrutinize you based on your food choices, please show me the same courtesy. it is something that ever since i was child will instantly put me in a horrible mood and question myself. i know the majority of the time this question isn't meant to cause harm, but it does. and it's not a fun path to go down.

this is how it makes me feel.


don't make people feel this way. no one likes to feel crazy. ever. even if they are crazy. and trust me, we are all crazy. why else would i run marathons? certainly not sanity. it's the beer. definitely that.

back to the issue at hand.

stepping on the scale somehow measured a personal value that didn't actually mean anything to anyone but me. it's not like if someone asked me what the number was i would be proud and announce it from the rooftops. perhaps there are people that do that, but alas, i am not one of them.

i wanted to have a healthy relationship with who i was. and that meant how i was built. it is not like i have ever had a problem with eating, binging, or dieting. it was more of an issue with how i perceived what people thought of me based on my size. and you know what, my size has nothing to do with who i am.

i may be little, but i don't deprive myself. i know full well what would happen if i just ate everything i wanted and did nothing in return. i've done that and i was unhappy. i'm not perfect, i have bad days, but for the majority of the time i feel pretty good about myself. taking the number out of the equation freed up a lot of time for me to do other things. travel, surf, run, make friends and drink all the beers. i wouldn't take any of that back. ever.

if you ever pick on me because of my size i will kick your ass. that is in writing. and you can take my word for it. i will absolutely kick your ass. and i won't feel a damn bit of regret or remorse, because you know what, i've accomplished some amazing things with this build i have and i know that. you can't take those accomplishments away from me. and besides it's not okay to scrutinize a person based on their weight. ever.

sorry i'm not sorry for all the jlaw.

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